Quarantine Day 20: I Made Hummus

I can only watch so many movies, play so many board games, eat so many weed gummies, do so many half-hearted pushups, and shake so many body parts in my girlfriend’s face before I (and her, long ago) go insane. At a certain point, quarantine just flat-out sucks.

I imagine Goldmember has a jar like this, too.
"That's a keeper!"

So I decided, amid the chaos and stagnation, to do something about it. My first thought? Impulse buy an Xbox, which I did (please God don’t let me get addicted). My second thought? Pick up the yo-yo again, which I did (back to watching poorly shot tutorial videos of men in cargo shorts with neck beards and graphic tees!). My third and most productive thought? Make hummus. Prove to myself that I could, in fact, make a decent version of the dip I’ve critiqued for so long. Could I live up to my own expectations, or would I fall flat on my face and let my ~15 consistent readers down? High stakes, I know...

The first step in making hummus is peeling the chickpeas. Unless you want a chunky, inconsistent texture, it’s important not to skip this—but it takes FOREVER. I listened to the entire Sergeant Pepper’s album in the time it took to peel two fu**** cans of garbanzo beans. It’s a humdrum task, but luckily I had help from my hummistress, Jamie (not pictured since she does not want to be associated with me in any way, shape, or form).

Bet you wish you had Smell-O-Vision

After peeling, it was time for the other main ingredients. We poured tahini, lemon juice, cumin, and salt in the food processor—a truly annoying and traumatic machine (I feel like a dog around a vacuum every time it’s on)—and whipped it baby, whipped it good to a smooth and fluffy texture. Next, we added the chickpeas little by little to combine them.

Now, all this time I had a little trick up my sleeves. Nope, it’s not a rabbit in a hat (sorry!), but it’s a little something to keep things interesting. While my hummistress was busy blending (I leave the dirty work to my assistants), I roasted about 7 cloves of garlic and half a bell pepper at high heat. The smell fresh out of the oven was nothing short of heavenly. The slight char with just a hint of olive oil and sea salt sent my nose spinning with aromas. Do I sound like a pretentious asshole yet? Perfect.

Since there was no way I was going near the food processor, I cowered in the bathroom with earplugs while I waited for Jamie to add the goods. Once that was blended, we were almost hum sweet hum—a little water for texture, some paprika for spice, and a drizzle of olive oil to top things off.

One of Ted Bundy's favorite expressions

Most people would stop here and call it a day, but I’m not a quitter (only when it comes to guitar, piano, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, most books, every diet, skateboard camp in freshman year of high school, Spanish class because my teacher was a total dick, etc.). To do this glorious dip justice, I needed an equally glorious dipper.

I took to the pantry, found some yeast and flour, and set out on a mission to make my own pita bread. A couple hours of rising, kneading, and grilling later, I'd done it. The perfect one-two punch: hummus and pita bread, pita bread and hummus.

THE VERDICT:

I probably sound eerily similar to our president, but overall I'd give myself 5/5 chickpeas through this whole experience. The texture, flavor, and balance of the hummus was perfect, and the addition of the garlic and peppers took it over the top. 

If you have any questions on the process, the recipe, or you just want to chat, drop me a line! I don't have anything better to do, seriously. Until next time...

A few more pics from my historic day:

SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO FORMAT!!!