Trader Joe's Beet Hummus Review/Bathroom Experiment

By "perishable," they mean you
may perish when eating it

On Monday, January 16th, I celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day the only way I knew how: by eating an entire tub of Trader Joe's Beet Hummus in one sitting. I did this both as an experiment to entertain you savages, and also to see what would happen to my urine—and of course, to my stool. Before the results I'd like to say that before eating them, I consider all hummi to be equal. I'd also state that this was one of the most grueling experiences I've been through in my incredibly white-privileged young life. Okay . . . on to the experiment.

From afar, Trader Joe's Beet Hummus has a seductive quality (yes, I'm sexually attracted to hummus). It's not in a can. It's not sliced up in a mediocre salad. It's in its purest form achievable: a deep purple blend of chickpeas in a tight round disc. But once you open the packaging and get a whiff of that violet vomit dip, you realize why people don't typically eat beets. Because they're terrible. That being said, I knew immediately that I needed to test myself to see how much of this mysterious vegetable I could take.

Why did I do this to myself?

The first few bites really weren't bad. Its got a noticeably beety taste, but it wasn't overwhelming (yet). After killing a third of the container I started to loathe the taste—to the point of gagging. The bright purple color, combined with the deer pellet-esque mini beet nuggets scattered throughout, really started to freak me out. I paused to collect myself, then grabbed a spoon to power through. Halfway through I realized I may not be able to physically consume the whole half-pound tub. My roommate suggested a chaser. After much deliberation, I grabbed a Diet Coke and started aggressively spooning the hummus to the back of my throat—not unlike Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi. This was quickly followed with a chug of soda, creating a sweet, carbonated beet taste that was honestly one of the worst of all time. I've eaten dog food before . . . Finishing the tub can only be described in one word: relief. But now commenced a dreadful waiting game.

I waited an entire day to see if my pee would turn red, and nothing. I have never yearned to pee a different color in my life, yet the thought of it not happening was devastating. I didn't even get so

Shout out to my fuzzy navel

much as a musky odor in my urine for an entire day. Tuesday morning, however, proved to be a different story. I sat down on the toilet (at work, mind you) and let go of what felt like a 6-month-old baby. Sort of oblong and misshapen. I stood up like a boy who had just defecated without a diaper for the first time and looked down to admire my creation. Without getting too detailed, let's just say it looked something like Van Gogh's "Starry Night," only bright red and purple. It was absolutely gorgeous. SWEET. BEET. VICTORY.

Now, while this experience certainly taught me a lot, I'll never repeat it, especially with a vegetable I don't enjoy. That being said, I'm impressed at my own willpower and perseverance given how terrible this was to do first thing in the morning on my day off. Trader Joe's Beet Hummus drops a number 2 and goes for a hummiserable 1 out of 5 chickpeas.