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Name a more iconic duo. I'll wait. |
Last MLK Day, I celebrated by consuming an entire tub of Trader Joe's Beet Hummus in one sitting. After that horrific experience, I told myself I'd never do something like it again. Well, against my better judgement, this MLK Day I attempted another, even bolder feat to test my hummerit. I know you're thinking, "Alex, how could you possibly outdo yourself after last time?" In fact, loyal HummustSee reader, this MLK day, I celebrated by consuming an entire 10-ounce tub of Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus, in one sitting, using only Flaming Hot Cheetos as a dipper.
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Lucifer's oblong and mangled areola |
When I bought the ingredients, I truly believed I could handle this with relative ease. But the closer it got, the more fear I felt. Opening the tub was like looking at what I imagine to be Satan's nipple. A monstrous blob of bright-red chilis stared me dead in the eyes—and it reeked of spice. Then I opened the chips, which, if you've ever opened a fresh bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, the scent is overwhelming. It's kind of like if a salsa factory farted directly in your face. But, more of a funny fart. Like if your friend toots just a little, and you have a chuckle. No fanning necessary. It's not a room-clearing
blast. Get it? No? Just play along.
The first bite proved delicious. The combination of crunchiness from the Cheetos and smoothness from the dip worked harmoniously. It was spicy, sure, but I felt I could handle it. The other thing about Flaming Hot Cheetos: They grow spicier the more you eat. Unless you take a break with a beverage, you have to keep eating them to soothe your tastebuds, or else they take over.
This dawned on me about midway through the tub. My nose started running, and, even with water, the spice was getting to me. So, just like last time, I reached for a Diet Coke to help me through the second half. What hummentum I had getting through the first 5 ounces was all but gone. I'd reached the point of gagging and plugging my nose. To my senses, the tub had become a baby's diaper, and I, the helpless father, clueless as to how to avoid my son's genitals, all the while wiping away excrement like I knew what I was doing all along (this is a perfect analogy).
Once I got down to the last bit, I attempted to spoon it in large bites. Not a good idea. I almost threw up (twice), but I hummustered enough strength to terminate the tub, finishing the job in under an hour.
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| I enjoy funny hats |
Great, it's all done, right? Wrong. The entire rest of the day—I finished at about 11 a.m.—I needed a toilet within 100 feet. It got to a point where I literally didn't think I had anything left inside. Wrong again (seems to be a theme here). The worst part is, it burns even worse on the way out than it does on the way in. Without getting into too much detail, a whopping 8 HOURS later I had to excuse myself from a fancy dinner with my mom to relieve myself. She knew what I was going through (she understood the pain, but obviously had not experienced this herself), and God bless her she cheered me on like the proud mother she is (SHE WAS NOT PHYSICALLY IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME CHEERING ME ON).
The fact is, when you eat this much of anything, it starts to get gross. I don't care how tough you think you are, but 2/3 of a pound of hummus is quite a lot—let alone that much incredibly spicy hummus. In the past few days I've heard a few people tell me, "I feel like I could do that." If you mean that, I would really love to see you try. Luckily, there's a guy out there who's just thick enough to actually go through with it. At least he's not all bark and no bite.
Happy new year, everybody! Looking forward to doing more of these in 2018!
