Trader Joe's Pickle Hummus: So What's the Big Dill?

It took me a long time to like pickles. I never liked cucumbers, and I never stored vials of pee in the fridge, so putting the two together never made much sense. And growing up, wasn't it always the weirdest kids who liked pickles? They'd yell and scream, stare you dead in the eyes as they licked their desk, torture bugs like it was their job, the list goes on.

So, suffice it to say that Trader Joe's Dill Pickle Hummus was not my first choice, but with my rapidly expanding pallet (and waistband)—and COVID boredom in full force—it felt right.

Look, it's me!

Tub size: 8 oz

Price: $1.99

Dippers: Baby carrots, rice crackers, tried finger and so not worth it

On the initial whiff, it's clear this is not a hummus to take lightly. Peeling back the seal made my nose start to quiver, like opening a fresh can of tennis balls or a container of feta cheese. In terms of appearance, it really doesn't look that different from your typical tub. There are some slight aberrations, "pickles" I assume, but for the most part the hummus is pretty smooth. I will give it that.

However, that got me thinking: a big part of the whole pickle appeal is the crunch, right? This hummus has none of it whatsoever. If I go to the store and purchase a pickle hummus, I'm all in. Give me all the crunch—none of this smooth, pickle puree nonsense. That's one dip demerit on the books.

Look close enough and you can see
 the little specs of disappointment.

Another demerit? The taste is, in a word, bad. This hummus tastes more like pickle juice than it does pickles, which everyone knows is gross (and if you disagree, let's just end our relationship right here and now, via blog). On top of that, the tub started to dehumpose in a week! What a jarring experience that was to open it up and find furry bits of mold. (I would have taken a picture, but my hummistress disposed of it too quickly, and I would NEVER stick my hands in the trash to go after food.)

At the end of the day, I wasn't expecting much from this tub, and it still let me down. And let me tell you, I don't like any tub of hummus gherkin me around. This rating will come as no surprise, but I'm giving Trader Joe's Dill Pickle Hummus a 1.5 chickpeas out of 5. Until next time...

Quarantine Day 20: I Made Hummus

I can only watch so many movies, play so many board games, eat so many weed gummies, do so many half-hearted pushups, and shake so many body parts in my girlfriend’s face before I (and her, long ago) go insane. At a certain point, quarantine just flat-out sucks.

I imagine Goldmember has a jar like this, too.
"That's a keeper!"

So I decided, amid the chaos and stagnation, to do something about it. My first thought? Impulse buy an Xbox, which I did (please God don’t let me get addicted). My second thought? Pick up the yo-yo again, which I did (back to watching poorly shot tutorial videos of men in cargo shorts with neck beards and graphic tees!). My third and most productive thought? Make hummus. Prove to myself that I could, in fact, make a decent version of the dip I’ve critiqued for so long. Could I live up to my own expectations, or would I fall flat on my face and let my ~15 consistent readers down? High stakes, I know...

The first step in making hummus is peeling the chickpeas. Unless you want a chunky, inconsistent texture, it’s important not to skip this—but it takes FOREVER. I listened to the entire Sergeant Pepper’s album in the time it took to peel two fu**** cans of garbanzo beans. It’s a humdrum task, but luckily I had help from my hummistress, Jamie (not pictured since she does not want to be associated with me in any way, shape, or form).

Bet you wish you had Smell-O-Vision

After peeling, it was time for the other main ingredients. We poured tahini, lemon juice, cumin, and salt in the food processor—a truly annoying and traumatic machine (I feel like a dog around a vacuum every time it’s on)—and whipped it baby, whipped it good to a smooth and fluffy texture. Next, we added the chickpeas little by little to combine them.

Now, all this time I had a little trick up my sleeves. Nope, it’s not a rabbit in a hat (sorry!), but it’s a little something to keep things interesting. While my hummistress was busy blending (I leave the dirty work to my assistants), I roasted about 7 cloves of garlic and half a bell pepper at high heat. The smell fresh out of the oven was nothing short of heavenly. The slight char with just a hint of olive oil and sea salt sent my nose spinning with aromas. Do I sound like a pretentious asshole yet? Perfect.

Since there was no way I was going near the food processor, I cowered in the bathroom with earplugs while I waited for Jamie to add the goods. Once that was blended, we were almost hum sweet hum—a little water for texture, some paprika for spice, and a drizzle of olive oil to top things off.

One of Ted Bundy's favorite expressions

Most people would stop here and call it a day, but I’m not a quitter (only when it comes to guitar, piano, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, most books, every diet, skateboard camp in freshman year of high school, Spanish class because my teacher was a total dick, etc.). To do this glorious dip justice, I needed an equally glorious dipper.

I took to the pantry, found some yeast and flour, and set out on a mission to make my own pita bread. A couple hours of rising, kneading, and grilling later, I'd done it. The perfect one-two punch: hummus and pita bread, pita bread and hummus.

THE VERDICT:

I probably sound eerily similar to our president, but overall I'd give myself 5/5 chickpeas through this whole experience. The texture, flavor, and balance of the hummus was perfect, and the addition of the garlic and peppers took it over the top. 

If you have any questions on the process, the recipe, or you just want to chat, drop me a line! I don't have anything better to do, seriously. Until next time...

A few more pics from my historic day:

SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO FORMAT!!!

Buffalo Hummus: The Only Thing More Disappointing Than Buffalo Bills

Buffalo wings are one of the few things Buffalo, New York is good for. (As of yesterday, clearly football is not one of them. Sorry Bills fans.) They're tangy, zesty, and all-around delicious. So when I saw Trader Joe's new Buffalo Style Hummus hit the shelves, I was pretty excited to give it a try... but boy was I blindsided.

Tub size: 8 oz
Price: $3.99
Dippers: Stacy's Garlic and Parmesan Pita Chips, Crazy Hot Pop Chips, baby carrots

From my very first interaction with this hummus, I was lied to. The label makes a lofty claim it's "smooth and creamy." False. More like "lumpy and runny." The texture falls somewhere between baby food and low-fat cottage cheese, which is as unappetizing as it is difficult to scoop.

Whatchu gon do with all those
 lumps inside yo hump?

The taste left just as much to be desired. Despite being made from organic ingredients, Buffalo "Style" Hummus has a notably fake taste, like cough syrup or an energy drink—which is fitting, because I could have used a burst of energy and an aspirin after just a few bites. There's also a weird cheesy quality to the dip. Maybe it's because I'm used to dipping Buffalo wings in blue cheese, or because it's bright orange. Whatever the case, it threw me off.

The worst part? I brought some serious firepower with my dippers. Stacy's garlic and parm pita chips and Crazy Hot Pop Chips are upper-tier snacks, but dipping them into such a mess was like wearing Gucci shoes with Old Navy jeans. It just doesn't work (not that I'd ever be caught dead wearing Old Navy).

Bills QB Josh Allen after his first bite

Through it all, I've realized two things.

First: Buffalo sauce is not a good enough flavor on its own. Unless you're slathering it onto a wing while watching football, it's gonna let you down.

Second: The Buffalo Bills will always let you down, especially when you're betting on them. Thanks for nothing.

Overall, this pretender of a hummus gets a dismal 1.5 chickpeas out of 5. Better luck next year, champ.