Yamba Lemon Garlic Hummus Review

When I think of Whole Foods I think of rich white people who won't settle for anything less than wild salmon at $30 a pound. Of dads in faded jeans and mandals picking up a specialty blend of quinoa and couscous for dinner. Of gluten-free, super food-loving, yoga pants-wearing, soy latte-drinking assholes. And today I joined them.

Just about everything in the hummus section of Whole Foods is organic, vegan, or gluten-free. So I picked up a tub of vegan and gluten-free Yamba Lemon Garlic Hummus to see what the hype was all about. To top it off, I paired the hummus with a bag of "Glutino" (sounds like a disease) gluten-free crackers to really try and understand the mentality of these extraterrestrial eaters.

Tub size: 10 oz
Price: $4.29
Dippers: Glutino Gluten-Free Bagel Chips, carrots, pinkie finger (tip)

Operation Desert Storm

Removing the top of the Yamba tub revealed a curious sight of seeds, herbs, spices, and a dirt-like powder—as if a Mediterranean child farted dust directly on top of it. But this weird assembly of ingredients proved to be the best part of the mediocre hummus. Without it, it falls flat on its face.

The lower layers are incredibly boring. Remember that kid in elementary school who quietly munched on his glue stick in the corner? The one who didn't talk much except to alert everyone he needed to pee. This is the hummus for him. It's got absolutely nothing going for it. The lemon and garlic flavors try desperately to reach the tastebuds, but they never quite make it.

My fish in the background just passed away. He wasn't
 much fun anyways. Not my fault he wouldn't eat #RIP

The consistency leaves much to be desired, too. When it's not fresh out of the fridge, it's got a creepy little jiggle to it. Sort of like when you poke a dead animal, with that little bit of resistance that makes you to think it may have some life left in the tank. Then you realize you're making excuses for the little guy and move on. Like that.

Another thing that bothered me is that the label states "Authentic Israeli Recipe." If you're gonna make a hummus that tastes like an armpit smells, don't slap an entire country's name on it. Hummbelievable disrespect.

Overall, this hummus is pretty bad. It's got the three Bs. Bland, boring, and bigoted. I don't see myself going back to Yamba anytime soon. Both the hummus and the Glutino crackers tasted like they were missing something. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I know what that special something is . . .  it's called gluten. And it's one of my favorite things in the world. The Yamba goes for a lousy 2 chickpeas out of 5. Sorry Israel.

Tribe Swirl: Fiery Sriracha Review

You're getting verrrrrry sleeeeepppyyy

Tub size: 16 oz
Price: $6.99
Dippers: Corn tortilla chips, carrots, finger

Tribe's new series of "Swirl" hummi is unmistakable in the grocery aisle. Looking at the tub from above was like looking into a time warp of swirled flavor. I felt like the hummus was trying to seduce me. If someone had stood there and started spinning it, I may have fallen into that creamy beige dream world and never returned.

When I came back to reality, standing there staring at the orange swirl of "Sriracha"(sorry, but Sriracha is not orange), I grabbed it, deciding in an instant to embrace the gimmick and try it out for myself.

Immediately after cracking off the top of the tub I felt a shiver in my nipples that sent my mind racing back to the days of old. The days when Gogurt, Teddy Graham's, Gushers, and Lunchables occupied the lunch box of every kid in America. That fake, processed feeling that so many companies try to avoid was renewed while taking in the sight before me. Getting past the feeling that this was probably the dumbest hummus I'd ever laid eyes on, I went in with an aggressive chip-to-dip jab, making sure to scoop both hummus and fiery Sriracha.

It doesn't even look like the bottle of Sriracha... 

Wow, not bad. Not bad at all. While it's nothing close to "fiery," it packs enough punch to keep things interesting. As for texture, it's neither too thick nor too thin, sort of like bean dip. But not like a fancy bean dip at a restaurant. More like that really shitty (but amazing) bean dip that sits right in front of the Frito's in the chip aisle. The kind you only buy when you got a little too high and had to make a trip to Safeway because it's the only thing open on a Wednesday night at 2:00 am, that kind of bean dip...

Eating from the swirl was like a mini game. Trying to maintain a good ratio of Sriracha to hummus is an art in itself. There are actually deeper pockets of swirl the further down you go. Sometime's it can be difficult to circhumnavigate, but it adds to the fun. Overall I give the Tribe Swirl: Fiery Sriracha hummus a 3.8 out of 5 chickpeas. Once you get past its kitschy look, you really start to enjoy its deeper humplexities.

The Hummus Guy: Organic Original Review

I was walking through the store last week when I saw a short, curly haired Middle Eastern man staring me dead in the eyes. He was chubby, with a round face and a smug smile that screamed "douchebag" for lack of a better term. He didn't say anything, he simply continued to stare at me until I felt compelled to say something. What came out of my mouth (in the middle of the grocery store, mind you) was this,"You've gotta be f****** kidding me."

After my sudden exclamation I realized that I had just muttered an F-bomb at an inanimate object... The Hummus Guy. Having never been faced with such an audacious challenge to my knowledge and huminion, I was unsure how to react. So, naturally, I grabbed the tub (thumb directly on the man's stubby little nose) and threw it in my cart... challenge accepted.

Before I begin this review I'd like to say that I've attempted to judge this hummus objectively,—despite the pudgy, olive skinned gentleman before me. 

Tub size: 10 oz
Price: 4.00
Dippers: Simply Naked Sea Salt Pita Chips, Carrots, Crunchmaster Multi-Grain Crackers, (middle) finger

How DARE you little man. How dare you confront me like this. To call yourself "The Hummus Guy" in spite of my dedication to the hummus game is utterly blasphummus. I don't care if you grew up in Tunisia (he did), or that your name is Mohamed (pretty authentic), you've waged a war that you most surely will lose. OK... but seriously, as much as looking at this tub annoys me, I have to say, Mohamed...you've done well.

The resemblance is uncanny...

While I'm not typically a fan of regular hummus, organic hummus, or anything vegan, this is an exception. Its texture rides the perfect balance between creaminess and chunkiness, which is difficult to pull off in an organic blend. I've found many organic hummi are thin and watery—which, as a matter of fact, ends up producing a very similar consistency on the toilet. Mohamed clearly has taken his beans into consideration, so we don't end up spilling ours.

It also has just the right amount of flavoring so as not to overpower the chickpea. Each bite leaves a split second lingering of lemon on the tongue. Sort of like a lemon party in your mouth (I think there's a website for that). I wanted to continue to talk smack but my mouth was full of this Jon-Favreau-looking man's hummus. While it took me a few bites to fully understand the complexity of this blend, I have to give it up to Mohamed. The Hummus Guy Original gets 3.9 chickpeas out of 5.

Trader Joe's Hummus Quartet Review

Tub Size: 20 oz
Price: 4.99
Dippers: Trader Joe's Everything Crackers, Pita Chips,
Carrots, banana (tried it- don't recommend), Finger

Wow, it's as if Mozart himself formed a four-piece symphony of hummi in the perfect container. I'm not even sure he would have known a garbanzo bean from a potato, but Trader Joe's surely does.

This tub has everything going for it as far as variety. It comes packed with a whopping 20 OUNCES of hummus (thats 1.25 pounds for those less mathematically gifted). The flavors, starting with the top left section and moving clockwise, are Tomato Basil, Spicy, Roasted Garlic, and Original. With 4 different hummi clocking in at 5 ounces each, this tub has something for everyone.

For the squares, you've got original. For the homies, you've got garlic. For the hipsters, you've got tomato basil. For the thugs, spicy. I rarely dipped twice consecutively in the same section, the allure of a new flavor was too intoxicating to pass up.

That's the beauty of these new age hummus collabs. It kind of like when Drake releases a new track with Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne, and Dj Khaled. You find yourself shitfaced on the dance floor, rolling dice without a care in the world, girls are shaking muscles in their booty they didn't know they had. The dance floor looks like an African watering hole filled with a pack of hyenas... but good natured hyenas. That's how I would describe this conglomeration of hummi.

My one gripe about the quartet is that once I got to the end of the tub, I found myself struggling to get the last of it. The four separate sections make this hummus difficult to finish off. I felt like a dog struggling to suck peanut butter out of his bone. Like so many other situations in my life, I ended up resorting to the finger.

Overall I give this hummus quartet 4 out of 5 chickpeas. The variety and quality of each hummus complements the others wonderfully. Another pat on the back for Trader Joe's.

Hummus Recall- Sabra Almost Destroyed Us!

 The hummus probably has a better
performance than Adam Sandler

As some of you may have heard, last week some 30,000 Sabra Classic Hummus tubs were recalled due to Listeria Monocytogenes. This may be the biggest event in hummus history since the release of You Don't Mess With the Zohan in 2008.

The official FDA report states, "Listeria monocytogenes is an organism, which can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Although healthy individuals may suffer only short-term symptoms such as high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain and diarrhea, Listeria infection can cause miscarriages and stillbirths among pregnant women."

He prefers Atheno's

Two words jump out here... fatal and diarhhea... 
How could a dip that has been so generous to me, be so cruel to others? What has the garbanzo bean done to deserve such horrible attention? I began to question everything I'd done the past two years as I held my head in my hands while having violent diarrhea on the toilet. 

What ails me most is that Sabra is dominating the category with the most average tasting hummi in the game. When I started experimenting with the chickpea in late 2013, I thought Sabra was a godsend. With so little experience, Sabra took me in like a young Israeli mountain goat. I felt secure in it's hooves until I became older and wiser. After trying dozens of different hummi and gaining real world experience with the dip, I came to my senses. 

While the recall came as a shock to many, I should have seen it coming. As an opponent of Sabra and its mediocrity, I allowed myself a smirk and a chuckle. Sabra is the undisputed leader in the hummus category, one that is growing rapidly in the refrigerated spreads section. Since 2010, annual hummus sales top $325 million and continue to rise throughout the United States. This means that Sabra is making tubloads of money on a dip that doesn't hold a candle to other brands.

Look, I get that some people like Sabra. I don't dislike it, it's what I was raised on. But it doesn't compare to some of the other hummi that Trader Joe's or even Safeway has to offer. It also can lead to headaches, diarrhea, and miscarriages ... So explore the wonderful world of hummus with me and and get out of your comfort zone. You'll thank yourself.


P.S. new reviews coming soon

Ménage à Hummus: Trader Joe's 3 Layer Hummus Review

Tub Size: 12 oz
Price: 3.49
Dippers: Carrots, Pita Crackers, Cheez Its, Finger, Tongue

Can you say three, count em' THREE layers of hummus in one brilliantly crafted tub.

I was apprehensive when I picked up this tub. Typically I like to see a hummus in full, no frills about it. The mixing of flavors seemed odd, almost frightening at the time. But let me tell you, the second I opened up the tub I was astonished.

Upon reveal, the hummus looked almost like vomit. It's tricolored, globular appearance didn't exactly make it look appetizing. But after digging a little deeper I started to realize the genius behind the mess.

The architecture of these three hummi is nothing short of spectacular. The trilogy of flavors blends magnificently together to create a unique taste in each bite. To break it down for you: The top "layer" of the hummus contains a blend of about 60% regular, 30% cilantro, and 10% spicy. But as you continue to uncover the rest, the different flavors shift shapes. The cilantro becomes a cylinder, the regular a cone, and the spicy a hidden gem tucked away in the corner with the perfect amount of kick to balance the others. Virtually every bite is a different hummixture!

My favorite combination is when the cilantro meets the spicy towards the bottom of the tub. The traditional spiciness combined with the latin flavors of the cilantro work fantastically together. Sort of like a Mexican throwing a quinceañera for a little Jewish girl.

The three layer hummus packs a serious punch. It's got great texture, flavor, and consistently impresses. While the hummus may look ugly on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts, right? Isn't that why we all eat hummus? Because we are self conscious about our own outside, when everybody's the same on the inside. Because we can't look at ourselves in the mirror without gagging, so we turn to hummus to solve our problems. Okay maybe that's just me.... Overall I would give this hummus a 4 out of 5 chickpeas. It's a fantastic hummunion of hum that I would recommend to anybody.

NFL Partners With Sabra Forming An Unlikely Team

At the close of this NFL regular season, I find it necessary to elaborate on something I have been thinking about for the better half of the year.

Sabra Hummus is now the "Official Dip Sponsor of the NFL". They have branded the game that I love, and it has subsequently made me feel some hummotions I am struggling with.

As some of you may know, I am not a huge fan of Sabra Hummus. It's generic, bland, and offers nothing that your standard hummus doesn't. It is utterly mediocre. But it is still hummus...

To see that logo slapped onto the face of some of my favorite NFL stadiums and team gear makes me sad. While I love that hummus is getting so much exposure, I just wonder why couldn't they have chosen a different brand?

Why not an Athenos? Why not Trader Joe's? Why not sponsor cricket, or soccer, or whatever it is they play in the Middle East? (I'm not being insensitive I really just don't know). Isn't hummus like Gatorade over there?

Like a kid in a candy shop

On the other hand I am LOVING it. One of my favorite foods in the world is now the official dip sponsor of America's most popular sport! Next thing you know, Tom Brady will throw a touchdown pass and jog off the field to take a nice big bite of his favorite hummus to celebrate. Who knows, maybe Adrian Peterson never would have whipped his kid if he'd known he could get free hummus out of his NFL contract?

What's more, Sabra is sponsoring the "Ultimate Tailgating Sweepstakes" to enter to win a trip to the 2016 Pro Bowl in Hawaii! Granted, the Pro Bowl is the most pointless all star game ever, but Hawaii is fun, right?!

Sabra is even offering trendy new tailgating recipes for the most hardcore fans around, including: Spicy Hummus Quinoa Falafel and Fried Green Tomatillos. And nothing screams die-hard NFL fan like Asian Salad Hummus Flatbread! That's just what Raider fans in the Black Hole need to give them enough energy to pee on opposing fans!

While I am not the biggest fan of Sabra, I respect what they have done integrating themselves in the NFL and attempting to draw more attention to a food that so many are passionate about, myself included. Watch out for Sabra in the coming months! They already own 60% of the hummarket share of hummus sales, making them by far and away the leader in all things chickpea.

As a thought leader in this industry, I foresee the hummercialization of hummus growing faster than it ever has before. This could be just what my favorite dip needs to ascend to the next level, maybe even contending with ranch dressing and bean dip in the near future. Big things are happening people, I just need to know... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTB.... I MEAN HUMMUS?!